Andrew Crawford

A brick layer's tale:

I guess because the guy didn't die this is pretty funny - possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Worker's Compensation board. This is a true story - had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure....

"Dear Sir, I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equal, impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.

I hope this answers your inquiry."

The following is an extract from a synopsis of Carmen, thoughtfully provided some years ago by the Paris Opera for the benefit of its English and American patrons:
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Carmen is a cigar-makeress from a tabago factory who loves with Don Jos of the mounting guard. Carmen takes a flower from her corsets and lances it to Don Jos (Duet: "Talk me of my mother"). There is a noise inside the tabago factory and the revolting cigar-makeresses bursts into the stage. Carmen is arrested and Don Jos is ordered to mounting guard her but Carmen subduces him and he lets her escape.

ACT 2.   The Tavern. Carmen, Frasquita., Mercedes, Zuniga, Morales. Carmen's aria ("the sistrums are tinkling"). Enter Escamillio, a balls-fighter. Enter two smuglers (Duet: "We have in mind a business") but Carmen refuses to penetrate because Don Jos has liberated from prison. He just now arrives (Aria:"Slop, here who comes!") but hear are the bugles singing his retreat. Don Jos will leave and draws his sword. Called by Carmen shrieks the two smuglers interfere with her but Don Jos is bound to dessert, he will follow into them (final chorus: "Opening sky wandering life")...

AXT 4.   a place in Seville. Procession of ball-fighters, the roaring of the balls is heard in the arena. Escamillio enters, (Aria and chorus: "toreador, toreador, All hail the balls of a Toreador".) Enter Don Jos (ARIA: "I do not threaten, I besooch you".) but Carmen repels himwants to join with Escamillio now chaired by the crowd. Don Jos stabbs her (Aria: "Oh rupture, rupture, you may arrest me, I did kill der") he sings "Oh, my beautiful Carmen, my subductive Carmen...."

(Taken from John Julius Norwich's book "Christmas Crackers" - a book full of bits and pieces he's come across over the years which have appealed to him)

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee (now I know
why they record these conversations!)

"Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
"Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power failure."
"A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer.

A few past quotes about computers:


- "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- 'Popular Mechanics' - forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.

"I think there is a world market for maybe 5 computers."
- Immortal words of Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

"I've travelled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.

"But what ... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, commenting on the microchip, 1968.

"There is no reason why anyone would want a computer in their home"
- Ken Olson, President, Chairman and Founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.

Actual Label Instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.

On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: Fits one head.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction incidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

On an individual tub of 'Devonshire' Cheesecake:
Serving Suggestion: Eat from tub.

These words are from the Dalai Lama during a Buddhist gathering in New
York:

1.        Give more to people than they expect and do it with happiness.
2.        Memorise your favourite poem.
3.        Don't believe everything you hear, spend everything you have and
            sleep as much as you want to.
4.        When you say "I love you" truly mean it.
5.        When you say "I'm sorry" look into their eyes.
6.        Be engaged for at least six months before getting married.
7.        Believe in love at first sight.
8.        Never laugh at other people's dreams.
9.         Love profoundly and with passion. You can get hurt, but it is the only way to live your life completely.
10.      When there are misunderstandings always fight for the just. Do not
             swear.
11.      Do not judge people by their relatives.
12.      Speak slowly, but think quickly
13.      When someone asks you anything you do not want to answer just smile ask why they want to know.
14.      Remember that big loves and big achievements involve risks.
15.      Phone your mother.
16.      Say "bless you" when someone sneezes.
17.      When you notice you have made a mistake, take the right course of
             action.
18.       When you lose, do not forget the lesson.
19.       Remember the three "Rs": Respect for yourself, Respect for others, Responsibility for your actions.
20.       Do not let a small dispute ruin a big friendship.
22.       Marry someone you can talk with. When you get older your gifts of conversation will be as important as anything else.
23.       Spend more time alone.
24.       Embrace change but do not compromise your values.
25.       Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26.       Read more books and watch less television.
27.       Live your life in goodness and with honour. Thus, when you get older and look back, you can make good use of it once again.
28.       Trust in God - but lock your car.
29.       An atmosphere of love in your home is very important. Do everything to create a tranquil home with harmony.
30.       When there is a misunderstanding with people you like, focus on the actual situation. Do not speak about the past.
31.       Read what is written between the lines.
32.       Share your knowledge. This is a way to achieve immortality.
33.       Be gentle with the planet.
34.       Pray. This is important.
35.       Never interrupt someone if they are paying a compliment.
36.       Once a year, go to somewhere you have never been to before.
37.       Take care of your own life.
38.       Do not trust anyone who does not close their eyes whilst kissing.
39.       If you earn a lot of money use it to help other whilst you are alive. This is the best satisfaction of riches.
40.       Remember that if you do not get something you always wished for that sometimes it is a stroke of luck.
41.       Learn the rules and break some too.
42.       Remember that the best relationship is the one where love for each other is greater than the necessity of each other.
43.       Judge your success through things that you had to renounce to
             achieve it.
44.       Remember that your character is your destiny.
45.       Enjoy love and cookery with total abandon.

Quotes taken from genuine employee performance evaluations....

(1)        "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom
and has started to dig.
(2)        "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
(3)        "I would not allow this employee to breed."
(4)        "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
(5)        "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
(6)        "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
(7)        "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
(8)        "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
(9)        "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
(10)       "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
(11)       "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
(12)       "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."
(13)       "A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
(14)       "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."
(15)       "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
(16)       "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
(17)       "He's been working with glue too much."
(18)       "He would argue with a signpost."
(19)       "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."
(20)       "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
(21)       "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
(22)       "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
(23)       "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
(24)       "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
(25)       "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
(26)       "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
(27)       "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
(28)       "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
(29)       "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
(30)       "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans"
(31)       "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
(32)       "One neuron short of a synapse."
(33)       "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
(34)       "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes."
(35)       "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

The power of words~:

A group of frogs were traveling through the woods, and two of them fell into a deep pit. All the other frogs gathered around the pit. When they saw how deep the pit was, they told the two frogs that they were as good as dead. The two frogs ignored the comments and tried to jump up out of the pit with all of their might. The other frogs kept telling them to stop, that they were as good as dead. Finally, one of the frogs look heed to what the other frogs were saying and gave up. He fell down and died.

The other frog continued to jump as hard as he could. Once again, the crowd of frogs yelled at him to stop the pain and just die. He jumped even harder and finally made it out. When he got out, the other frogs said, "Did you not hear us?" The frog explained to them that he was deaf. He thought they were encouraging him the entire time.

This story teaches two lessons:

1.       There is power of life and death in the tongue. An encouraging word to someone who is down can lift them up and help them make it through the day.

2.       A destructive word to someone who is down can be what it takes to kill them. Be careful of what you say. Speak life to those who cross your path.

The power of words. It is sometimes hard to understand that an encouraging word can go such a long way. Anyone can speak words that tend to rob another of the spirit to continue in difficult times. Special is the individual who will take the time to encourage another. Instead of running them away with words of destruction that may hurt, and cause pain which may last a life time.

Remember each word from your mouth is a calulated memory in some else's mind. So be remembered for your encouraging words of wisdom and acts of kindness.

History Through the Eyes of 6th Graders: (actual answers to a 6th grade history test) *

1.       Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2.       Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3.       Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred popcupines.

4.       The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5.       Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. This may be true!

6.       In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7.       Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

8.       Joan of Arch was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.

9.       Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

10.       It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11.       The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12.       Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. This also has a logical ring of truth.

13.       Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14.       Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

15.       Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

16.       Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17.       The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

*Their teacher prefers to remain anonymous!

ADVICE  FROM   KIDS:

1.     Never trust a dog to watch your food.   ~   Patrick, age 10

2.     When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.   ~   Michael, 14

3.     Never tell your mom her diet's not working.   ~   Michael, 14

4.     Stay away from prunes.   ~   Randy, 9

5.     Never pee on an electric fence.   ~   Robert, 13

6.     Don't squat with your spurs on.   ~   Noronha, 13

7.     Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to.   ~   Emily, 10

8.     When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.   ~   Taylia, 11

9.     Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment.   ~   Traci, 14

10.   Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.   ~   Kyoyo, 9

11.   You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.   ~   Armir, 9

12.   Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick.   ~   Lauren, 9

13.   Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat.   ~   Joel, 10

14.   When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone.   ~   Alyesha, 13

15.   Never try to baptize a cat.   ~   Eileen, 8

Beer:

The following is an actual excerpt from this month's Forbes Magazine:  Please make sure your read this carefully. It may change the way you think about your life and career.

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

So, this is a call to arms. Get back into the bars. Pound that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the intellectual prowess that you could have.

Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

What more can we do?

US Navy v. Canada

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995  ~ released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

Canadians:    Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:   Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North.

Canadians:    Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:   This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:    No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:     THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:    We are a lighthouse. Your call.

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant to New York University. The author was accepted and is now attending NYU.

3A.   IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been know to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been called number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400.

My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I paticipate in full contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven.

I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.

I have played Hamlet, I have performed open heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college!

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE:

[On the occasion of the confusion over the race for the Whitehouse between Bush and Gore, November 2000.]

To the citizens of the United States of America. In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1.     You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2.     There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3.     You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4.     Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5.     You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6.     You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football, called "soccer". What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7.     You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".

8.      July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9.      All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10.    Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Thank you for your cooperation.

A few quotes from Governor George W. Bush, Jr.:

Would the last person leaving the USA please turn out the lights ...

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.

"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.,  8/11/94

"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.,  9/15/95

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 5/22/98

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.   12/6/93

"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."  ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 11/30/96

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"The future will be better tomorrow." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 9/21/97

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ....Governor George W. Bush, Jr.

"Public speaking is very easy." .....Governor George W. Bush, Jr. to reporters in 10/9

"I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA,my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 5/20/96

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 9/22/97

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 9/5/93

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ..... George W. Bush, Jr., 9/18/95

"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ..... George W. Bush, Jr.  

The TRUE story of creation...(author unknown):

In The Beginning, God created the Heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, And darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And so God created Man in His own image; Male and female He created them.

And God looked upon Man and Woman And saw that they were lean and fit. And God populated the earth With broccoli and cauliflower and spinach And green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, So Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And so the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained five pounds.

And so God created the healthful yogurt, That Woman might keep her figure But the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And the Devil brought forth creamy dressings. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "Why doth thou eatest thus? I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables And olive oil with which to cook them."

But the Devil brought forth chicken fried steak So big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds And his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And so God brought forth running shoes. And Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control So Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And so God brought forth the potato, A vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control And ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.

And the Devil saw and said, "It is good."